Made a ring this Monday, with 'Fate' engraved behind it. Lost my previous rings. This current ring is very simple in design, obsidian in colour, and thus can be worn in all kinds of situations.

I've always bought clothes, dye hair, orwear accessaries that either provoke contravesy (charm bracelets or are loud and colourful (vest, pink shirts) . My mom have this saying: if you buy something to wear, make sure everyone can see it. Don't do a face surgery where noone can see the difference.
But now, I realised most of the time, nowadays, the clothes that I wear are those bought out of necessity, not because of fashion (which I admit that I quite fail in that category).

The reason that I feel why I'm not as well liked as I can be is because I tried very hard not to be hated. most of the time this happens. I am not myself. I try to care about other people's feelings (which often leads to disaster), I am really petty, but doesn't want to show it out, thus creating a conflict of interest on what I should do and what I want to do (normally, doing things I want to do feels much better)

I realised if I cared about everyones feelings, I will end up storing so much resentment and hatred that I will lash out at some unsuspecting and cause even more trouble. As I've said, I am a very petty person who really take criticisms too hard. So when I am not taken seriously, I really hate it.

I love being with my friends, like Jing Xiu and Kuan Liang. Why? They are like the best people in the world cause they have no hidden agenda, and they talk well, and their jokes are really jokes, not those jokes that some smart asses crack to humiliate you.

My refusal to stand up for what I really am, for what I want to do, is really killing me. I am the top student, so be it. I dare not say it cause I feel that I don't deserve it: someone more hardworking should get it. Everytime someone asked me for my results and my status in Poly I feel ambarrassed, even ashamed to tell them I'm the top student. To make me feel less ambarrassed, I usually berate about being top student 'is nothing', which causes more mistunderstandings.
Yes, I am by nature a proud person, but I am not so proud as to hang my achievements all over my body for all to see.
Also, I am so restrained about what I feel about others. If I keep bottling my like for someone, I will surely crack one day and do stupid and painful things. This, is dumb. I have no doubt about my secual orientation, and when someone make jokes about it, to I tend to feel offended. Why? Because I still feel resentment on why I am not the same as the others, why I happened to like people of the same sex. Its really frustrating to speak in a way that 'I'm gay but I don't want people to know I'm gay'. It swells, really. The more I get into talks like these, the more I try to hide, the more problem I will cause myself, and the more they'll find out. So now, my status at things like that is to keep numb about my sexuality until someone actually ask me about it. For me, I find both ends adorable, though I lean closer to the male side. Its pretty practical, cause as you can see nowadays, girls are increasingly looking the same, and I bored very easily. I realised all my hiding has caused me to lose track of what I really am. Its really the same whether you are loving a guy or a girl. Loving a guy doesn't mean you can screw all over the place, its just mean you can't get married easily and you won't get babies naturally. You still have got to have the care and concern and the love there to make it work.

Things that happen that will make me ambarassed:

Undress in a group or unconcealed place. (bathing too)
Talking about sexuality.
Talking about my studies.
People commenting on my looks.

I've also realised I shouldn't spare too much attention on whether I'm gay or whatever cause it does me no good to my future endeavours. Because I am so engrossed in the 'I am gay no I am not' kind of stupid arguement that has made me brittle and made me easily snap. No matter what sexuality, religion and colour I am, I will still be the Alex Lim that everyone love and cherish.

Which kind of come to the fact about my name Alex.
I called myself Alex because I hated my chinese name. But now I come to realise that my hate of my original name stem from the fact that I hate myself fundamentally, which cause more personality dyfunctionality on my part. Iwanted a new start, but how can I get a new start when I hate myself everytime I change for the better? Its very much like giving a person with stomachache flu tablets. It is not the solution.

Its very dumb for me to do all the things I do cause it happened to fall in the line of 'I like birds but I hate birds' or 'I hate people who kill but I kill'. These are very infantile tendancies which i possess right now. I realised that what I really need to do is to make choices, and follow them through. I cannot make half hearted choices and then say, in the end, 'see it doesn't work'. Its not fair. Its not fair for me to be the top student but not tell everyone about it but I like to let people know because it makes me feel able but I don't want to...' kind of crap. I want to be top student, yet I hate to be known as the top student. What kind of crap shit fuck is that? But its what I feel sometimes, and this I have to address.

There you go.

And the funny thing about all my sudden revalations is that I came upon them while I was watching Hana Kimi. I love watching teen drama like these. The reason being the main characters of these drama usually get what they want. They also possess great drive and endurance, which is why they get what they want in the first place. Most importantly, they know what they want and work towards that goal. All these are very valuable qualities to me, qualities which I fundamentally possess in scarce quantities. I hope that one day, I will be happy forever consistantly.

But for now, I''ll appreciate the few and far between laughters and joys.