Its hot nowadays. And its those kind of windless hot, which gets you in a weird feeling, and does not help sleep at all. I love heat, but not this kind of 'simmering' heat. And I hate air-con. So ya.
In Singapore, you either live with the heat, or... get air-con. Mostly people just gets the air-con. For me, I hate air con. Makes me cold. I hate cold. Makes me lonely, oppressed.

Oh yes I got my enlistment letter. September 12, Friday. Its really sad, really. 2 of my friends has just told me that they are enlisting 1 day after me. But I guess it doesn't matter. If Fate so decrees we'll meet again.

And I think Fate and Gaia have plans for me for the coming SGF. It explains my late enlistment. Do They want me to be part of it as well? My fledgling performance on the global stage perhaps? I dare not wonder off too much, for I know I have to start small first. Perhaps this is the small? I do not know.

I am displeased with Golden Village, for on weekdays it seems that Forbidden Kingdom is shown only once, for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, on GV Jurong Point. And they are at the late nights. How am I supposed to catch them? Its insane. The one at Vivo will get me running there at 11.35am. Wow. What perfect timing for a movie. My guess is I'll catch the 1.45pm show on Wednesday. Then have a day of a time from there. 1.45 3.45 4.45 5.00 5.30. Hmm. It is possible...

Today I've bought Shadowmoor fatpack and Celestial Zone 21 bk 26. Once again Oona has eluded me. After opening 7+18+8 packs of boosters, I did not see her. I am sad. Very sad. The storybook for Shadowmoor isn't very amusing either. I am eager to know more about Maralen, Brigid, Rhys and the rest of the old gang. I have an idea what has happened but yet I am disillusioned once again. The Magic team is very good at releasing and keeping their secrets. I guess I've to wait till Eventide to know the full story. As for bk 26, its quite fillerish. Boring might be harsh.

Is this like the boring season for me? May? I don't know. I have lost my drive in this heat. I am quite a seasonal person, you know. Takes upon my patrons.

I have spent all this wonderful time of mine nowadays, before the hours of my sleep, thought about all different scenarios... like...

What if during the next 10 years:

I'm blind, deaf, crippled, dumb (can't speak)? Or worse, all of them?
I know it won't come to that, for I still have a task at hand which I must finish. But it is a very dreadful scenario. When I think of scenarios, they come across in my mind, I can feel my helplessness, my desperation, my hopelessness... All is lost. I can only wish for death if it happens, for all that I've lived for can never take root again. I have become what I hate the most: Useless.

If I can't be a landscape designer/If I'm a landscape designer

How will I retire?

How do I inch towards that LD degree?

Losing my parents?

Dying?
At the end there is noone left in this world to accompany you, except yourself. When you become of ashes and essence only your legacy remains. What you have done for Gaia and the betterment of the world is all that mattered.

Living alone?
For someone like me, I must live alone. For I have paranoia and distrust towards any non family members. I cannot allow any non-kin to live in my home, my sanctuary. And for this very reason I am doomed for life to live alone without anyone to be with.
It is a painful process, sleeping at night, with the walls seem to have you as their prisoner, unable to escape, as the dead of the night comes, your fears and loneliness amplifies, pain and sorrow comes, yet you can find no peace and protection from things around you. This is something I must forever live with. It is a future most feasable, one that I must endure. For me, my existence is my work. I honor my parents, my bloodline, with the beauty I create, with my usefulness. I will fortify my spirit to withstand and negate these sufferings.

I feel that in times I am like a Shadowmoor elf, yet other times I've become a Cinder. In fact, I'm 70% Cinder. I felt joy in the pain of others. The pain of others invigorates the flame that is flickering inside me.
Even in that I'm no happy. My father was explaining, on Sunday during dinner, about a corpse he has seen on the road. At first glance the corpse looked like a living man on a bike, not moving. But closer inspection revealed his legs were crushed on the hot exhaust of the pipes, though his hands still clasped the handles. He was rammed by a lorry. The lorry was not damaged. My father, whose description of things is often deadly (pardon the pun) accurate, spotted the closer inspections. The most horrifying thing to me is that his eyes were bleeding blood. When I heard this, I did not have the mood to eat anymore. For the memory of tears of blood reminded me, reminded me of what has happened. Is this man's spirit crying, for he can no longer provide for his children and wife? That he can no longer support life and must wait in death for his loved ones to join him? This seperation between loved ones has made me very sad indeed.

I find joy and pain in everything I do. I am neither happy or sad. Most of the time, I am expriencing both.

Perhaps this is why I have yet mastered the art of life: I'm still wellowing in the depths of death.