"When people look at babies, do they see the past that is or the past that might be?"
-Alex Lim

Recently I have some doubts as to what my life is to me, and what other people's lives are to me.

And to help myself understand this points better, I find some instances which I did some things which are beneficial to others, but not so much to me.

First Issue: Why do I keep replying to some guy which I detest? Why do I detest him? Because he is annoying, do weird wrist knobing actions and walks with a limp. Or perhaps its the way he speaks. But nonetheless the disgust is there. But still, I'm replying to the questions he asks. Mere courtesy, you might say? I don't know. Maybe I'm actually frustrated the conversation never got more than 10 lines? Or that the conversation never got more variables instead of LOLs? I really hate people who talk to me brainlessly. Really insults me.

2nd Issue: I find that constantly I'm more in a teaching mood (even to people much older then me) then in the 'me I am Alex' mood. I find that In both modes I enjoy myself immensely, but I enjoy being myself better. Am I being in teaching mode because I happen to be more amiable and friendly compared to the 'Crazy Alex' mode? I am reminded constantly (thanks to recent interactions and Fate's blessings) that humans are flawed and therefore their communication abilities are also flawed, leading to arguments and disagreements. This coincides with my philosophy to 'not be nasty with the ignorant. Since it is stupid to scold a pig that snorts and a dog that barks.' When I'm in teaching mode this is the rule that I follow constantly. But when I'm in Alex mode, I totally throw this out of the window. I scold if it displeases me. Perhaps I should be both? or none at all?

3rd Issue: I am visibly disturbed when I realised someone who has been in attachment for me for 6 months has seen me in friendster but has not added me as his friend. And to think we have worked with each other before and we've just talked with each other like 1 day before. And to think I was going to feature him here as well, for I've learnt a great deal of how to be a friendly person from him. Could it be religion? I wonder. Nonetheless I take this as an invaluable lesson: All those that smile may not be your friends. Similarly, all those who frowns may not be an enemy either. I guess I am but an acquaintance, someone to ask for when help is needed. (A good one, to say, since I can hardly refuse helping other people). For a few minutes I find myself visualising a used tampon... used then disposed. I don't like this feeling. But hey, this is life and its use or be used. Actually the more accurate term is use and be used. Yes. If you are not used by people, you're possibly useless. But if you are overused, you are a sucker. Reap your benefits by using other people as well. I guess if you are doing this to me, and to me, you are not a friend, I can keep you close for now. but when you're useless, goodbye.

4th Issue: I have yet to think of a way to celebrate my birthday.

5th Issue: People has been saying that do not lie: for once it is revealed you are lost forever. But I guess the more accurate saying would be Lie and do not get caught, Lie when its beneficial, and lie when you believe that its true. Face it, we live in a world of lies. Your mother has lied to you. Your boss has lied to you. And your teacher (do not lie students!) have lied to you. Noone has never lied before. White lies Black lies they are all lies: do not cover up by saying 'oh I'm helping someone with that lie'. They are all as bad. Some people has lied so much they have forgottened about who they are. Some have lied till they believe in their lies, that their truths are built on lies. Some doesn't even know they are lying, because they have built their truth on these lies. I have broken my vow of not lying. For I realised I've been lying ever since I was young. I remember I was a little primary school student, late for class. Confident of my skill of lying, I told my teacher (the lovely Miss Chua who has inspired me to be a scientist and to inquisitive) that I was late because I helped a teacher to carry books. She saw through me and say 'ok' and dragged me (silently without the class knowing) to the 'teacher tree' as I like to call it, showing all the teacher's posts and duties. She then asked who amongst these called me to help. I then realised my lie is blown and admitted to my folly. That day I truly felt remorse. Or is it? I wondered to myself why have I remembered something 9 years ago in such vivid detail? Then I realised this year that I'm remorseful not because I was caught, but that I was not lying well enough, and this was my punishment. As a popular workers/army phrase would say: do what you will, just don't get caught. As for me, I am still currently much of a law by law person, and does not envision myself doing any unlawful things anytime soon. But yes you get the gist of their witty philosophy.
I have been warned by my brother that I should be careful when I'm revealing my past to others. Matters of my heart is to be kept by me and my closest friends only. I assured him that my life is built on lies, enriched by them and glamered by their existence that my life story is that noone knows the truth. My lies combines both facts and fiction, blended in adequate amounts that its hard to know truth and lies from me anymore. To many I'm that force of nature that is there but is neigh unfathomable (which of course is not really good if your life long hobby is to listen to other people). I can achieve this tough balancing act because I balance out 2 opposing views very equally, finding advantages to each and jumping to either side when it works. In short, I believe that my lies are real. So much so that I become my lies. Do you seriously believe my every rants, my on-the-spot shouts and speak outs that seemed to be on the whim and from the heart? You think its not scripted? Or is it?
Have I led a sinless life? Not really, for I vowed that I am inadequate to council somebody if I did not experience the same measure of pain that they have experienced (which accounts for my sudden spurts of maturity and insight into many matters. Fate bless poly life and freedom). I am to experience as much of the worlds feelings, pain, joy, suffering and happiness.
So have I lost myself in the process? Not really. For this is me. I have learnt that my conflicting ideas all boils down to fundamental needs which I need fulfilled.

Well, a long post. This week i may post some photos of recent events: those of the past, and those that has yet be.