Retribution, and justice, are concepts which does not interest me anymore. Today, I realised that retribution upon my enemies does not cause me happiness. At least, not anymore. As I grow older, so has my conscience. The pain and suffering of my foes does not excite me like last time. I realised instantly what this means. All my evil manipulations and politics no longer serves the purpose for my enjoyment. I am no longer happy like that. in fact, some times I feel sad. Even miserable, when other people are suffering. I guess my empathy is coming back. Just like in the past. It sucks. Makes me weak.
I guess that means I must seek newer pastures. Into the fields of goodness. Of kindness. Yuck it makes my Orzhov heart sick. But yet I know it is the right way.
I got my full body check up results last week and I'm healthy, physically. However, I've been trembling and my stomach and head have been having spells of dizzyness and nausea. I think somethings wrong with my mind (Well, what have your friends said over the years? LOL.). I figured it might be because I can't seem to express (the term, here, is express, not read.) grey emotions. My emotions are like monochrome. They either go high rev or low rev. Which of cause pretty much screws up my life. Love or otherwise. If I meet authority figures I totally go low rev and stutter and speak like a pussy. If I see people I hate I can't help but spew scorn into my speech. My song choices have also reflect my state of mind. There are no songs that reflect balance. They are either very fast paced, or slow emo songs. Some people go hysterical hearing my song list. I figured if normal cannot stand my song list (unless of course they are in disco, or clubbing, or having prom) it means I'm far from that normal mark.
So I must start thinking around the grey area. The area of normality. The area where people who say bad things about you aren't really enemies. Not all enemies need to be crushed. No need to be sad because some don't like you. Even if that person isn't even necessary for the well being you. No need to double guess what other people say (Ok that is hard. Cause its often true) Even if the world is full of demons doesn't mean you need to sulk and be sad and ignore all of them. Who knows, one of them might be an angel in disguise (or a demon that looks like an angel. Or maybe an angel that looks like a demon that is an angel. Bleh.) These are all new things which I must learn. And experiment. Damn. New things.